


frequency's no longer fading

by helloearthlings



Series: In All Directions [1]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Friendship/Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Multi, Reunions, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 04:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15598464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: “Was Jack that handsome when you knew him in college?” Ben asks, and he asks it casually, because why wouldn’t he? That’s all Ben knows about that relationship, that Sammy and Jack had met in college and fell out of touch until Jack moved in down the hall. That was all there was to know, as far as Ben was concerned.“He wore backwards baseball caps,” Sammy says to avoid having to answer the question honestly but Ben just sighs with that love-struck look in his eye he gets at least four times a day.“I think he could pull it off,” Ben says.





	frequency's no longer fading

**Author's Note:**

> A truly fucking ridiculous AU, but this was literally so much fun to write. Especially Ben's parts. I honestly very much think of Ben as straight, but he's definitely not straight in this fic, which was a blast to write, because bi Ben hcs are still God Tier at all times. Everyone in this AU is fun and ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I didn't project some internalized homophobia bullshit!!
> 
> Anyway, hope you like it, please comment if you do!

“She’s just like, so beautiful and intelligent and charming, and she helped me find the new David Sedaris book that I’ve been dying to read, and she loves autobiographical stuff and recommended Jesmyn Ward for something more serious – God, she’s like, the most perfect person ever, you know?”

“So did you get her number?” Sammy breaks into Ben’s ten-minute long rambling on his latest obsession – sorry, crush – and Ben sighs with all the dramatis Sammy’s come to expect from him.

“No,” Ben says, pouting a bit and taking a forlorn bite of his sandwich before staring down at it glumly. They’re in the deli underneath their apartment for their lunch break, and rare is the time Ben can’t wolf down all of his food in five minutes flat. “I was too nervous. She’s – I mean, if you saw her, you’d understand how nervous I was.”

Sammy blinks at him once, twice, and Ben snorts.

“Oh, alright, maybe you wouldn’t, but I _was_ nervous! Her name’s Emily, it was on her nametag. I’m going back to the bookstore this weekend and maybe she’ll still be working. I think I’m in love with this girl for real, Sammy.”

Sammy rolls his eyes, exasperated but always with affection for his best friend. “You fall in love with whoever pays attention to you for longer than two seconds. Last week it was the pizza guy, this week it’s Emily the bookstore girl…”

“Except you,” Ben gives him a shit-eating grin from across the table. “I get straighter every time I look at you. And that manbun. Get a haircut, hippie.”

“I’m cool and hip,” Sammy tries to justify himself, running a hand through his hair without thinking about it. “C’mon, we’ve gotta get back to work on time today or Richardson’s gonna kill me.”

“You know, our boss wouldn’t care if you were late from a single lunch break if you’d ever show up on time in the mornings,” Ben says in that sing-songy voice of his he uses when he’s making fun of Sammy. “We live together and I’m still ten minutes earlier than you! And I stop for coffee and you don’t!”

Sammy would bicker with Ben about the point – he likes sleeping late, he moves slowly in the mornings, he loses track of the minutes – but as he’s clearing their sandwich plates from the table, he sees Jack Wright walk into the deli and he starts feeling like he can’t breathe, which is his usual response when Jack’s around.

Jack notices Sammy and Ben, smiles brightly when he sees Sammy’s noticed him too, and oh no, he’s coming over. This is great. This is just what Sammy needs when he has to go sit at an office desk and do paperwork for another four hours today.

“Hey guys,” Jack says with an easy grin and Ben jumps up from his seat with usual enthusiasm and hugs Jack, because that’s how Ben greets people. Sammy settles for awkwardly smiling at Jack and trying not to have a stroke. “How’s it going?”

“Great!” Ben answers without waiting for Sammy. “Just on lunch from work and Sammy likes his gluten-free bread, and this place has the best in the area.”

Jack blinks in Sammy’s direction, his smile twisting somewhat. “Didn’t know you were gluten-free.”

Sammy blushes under the attention. “Uh, allergy to wheat. Makes me cough.”

“Oh,” Jack says softly, looking at Sammy a second too long and Sammy feels like he needs to say something, but then Ben interrupts again.

“Hey, are you going to Troy’s get-together this weekend for everyone in the building? I hear Loretta’s making those cheese curds she did last time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jack turns back to Ben with a smile. “It should be really fun – and you can’t miss out on those cheese curds.”

Jack’s been Sammy and Ben’s across the hall neighbor for five months now, and literally every time Sammy runs into him in the building – the coffee shop down the street, the movie theatre, this deli – he never fails to feel somewhat lightheaded and very ashamed.

“I’m just in here to grab something to go, I need to head back to work too,” Jack gestures toward the counter. “But I’ll see you guys at Troy’s thing this weekend, right?”

“Yep!” Ben says enthusiastically, and he waves Jack off. Sammy raises his hand up a second too late before he and Ben head out of the building and into the heady, humid afternoon. Sammy’s shoulders relax substantially once he’s out of that situation and Jack’s eye.

“Speaking of people I’m in love with,” Ben says with a dreamy sigh, and Sammy’s stomach turns a little uncomfortably even though he knows that Ben’s mostly joking. “Jack’s _so_ handsome. Whenever he’s not around, I think I must have made it up, that he can’t possibly be that attractive but then I see him again and it’s like – oh. Damn. He really is.”

“Emily all forgotten?” Sammy says dryly and Ben just laughs.

“Definitely not, I actually have a shot with Emily,” Ben says, rolling his eyes. “Jack’s so out of my league it’s ridiculous. I mean, I can’t even imagine Jack with a boyfriend – or girlfriend, though I don’t actually know which way he swings. Just ‘cause like, it’d be such an uneven match, since I’ve never met anyone nearly as handsome as he is.”

“C’mon, Ben, you’re a catch,” Sammy says so he doesn’t have to think about anything else, because the picture in his mind of Jack with someone else presses on an old wound that Sammy doesn’t even have a right to feel bruised about anymore.

He puts a casual arm around Ben’s shoulder, pulls him close in the style of a headlock, and Ben groans and tries to squirm away.

“I know I’m a catch, this isn’t an oh-woe-is-me topic,” Ben says, swatting at Sammy’s hands to no avail. “I’m just stating a fact that Jack Wright is too pretty to be real.”

“I’m sure he’d appreciate the ego boost,” Sammy says, wishing they were talking about anything but this.

“Was he that handsome when you knew him in college?” Ben asks, and he asks it casually, because why wouldn’t he? That’s all Ben knows about that relationship, that Sammy and Jack had met in college and fell out of touch until Jack moved in down the hall. That was all there was _to_ know, as far as Ben was concerned.

“He wore backwards baseball caps,” Sammy says to avoid having to answer the question honestly but Ben just sighs with that love-struck look in his eye he gets at least four times a day.

“I think he could pull it off,” Ben says. “I might get straighter every time I look at you, but I get gayer every time I look at him.”

“Don’t let Emily the bookstore girl hear you say that,” Sammy snipes so they can return to safer, less panic-worthy topics. Ben goes on one of his tangents about Emily, who is still apparently perfect even in the face of the perfection of Jack Wright, and Sammy is more relaxed by the time they get back to work.

Not fully relaxed, because Sammy can’t remember the last time he was fully relaxed, especially since Jack Wright landed back in his life, but it’s his new normal.

* * *

 

Jack had knocked on Sammy’s door five months ago and Sammy had almost had a heart attack just standing there staring at him, Jack staring back, the complete shock Sammy was feeling mirrored in Jack’s face.

A thousand romcom scenarios of chasing each other down for years and years played in the back of Sammy’s head, but he had to shut that off and focus on the situation in front of him where Jack was equally surprised to see Sammy on the other side of the door.

“Hey, who is it?” Ben ducked under Sammy’s arm to greet Jack. “Hey, I’m Ben – and you are…?”

“Uh, Jack,” Jack said with wide eyes, looking from Sammy to Ben as if he couldn’t quite believe this. Sammy couldn’t believe it. His brain short-circuited and he was pretty sure he was lucid dreaming. “Jack Wright, I – I just moved in across the hall.”

“I didn’t know you were in the city again,” Sammy said because he couldn’t help the words from spilling out, and he can tell Ben’s looking at him confusedly. “Aren’t you and Lily still on NPR?”

“No, no – I mean, Lily still is. I just moved back to New York just – just now, I got a job offer here executive producing for VICE,” Jack sad, but the words seemed to be a distraction from how hard and long he’s staring at Sammy, like Sammy’s some kind of ghost. Maybe he is. The one that got away and whatnot, except not really, since there’d never been anything to get away from, they’d never _really_ been anything. “What – what are you doing here? I thought you took a job in –”

“Los Angeles? I was only there for a year,” Sammy said, thinking about everything that happened in the past five years since he’d last seen Jack and how much had changed for him. Had Jack changed just as much? “I’m hosting morning talk radio with – with my partner, Ben.”

“Hi,” Ben said, shaking Jack’s hand. Jack’s eyes got impossibly wider. “It’s super nice to meet you – how do you two know each other?”

“Sammy and I…went to college together,” Jack said, a laugh escaping him like he hadn’t meant for that to come out. “God, it’s been ages. If I knew you were here I would’ve – I would’ve –”

He trailed off, suddenly sheepish, and something painful twisted in Sammy’s stomach, because it was Jack who had called it quits, who said he couldn’t do this, who had severed the contact. Sammy wonders if he regrets it.

Sammy had certainly regretted it every day – the moment plays out in his head on repeat when he can’t sleep at night and he wishes he would’ve done anything else other than _nothing._

“Wow, and now you’ve moved to the same building?” Ben said, delighted, tugging on Sammy’s sleeve. “Dude, it’s like it was meant to be! Oh my god, we _have_ to get drinks with you or something, okay? That’s so funny!”

“Yeah,” Jack said, not looking at Ben but at Sammy. “Funny how life turns out, I guess.”

“For sure,” Sammy said, and it felt like there was lead in his mouth that he was trying and failing to talk around. “It’d be great to – to catch up.”

“Totally,” Jack said, a little faintly, then gestured backwards. “I – I gotta finish unpacking, I was just gonna introduce myself to my neighbors, I – wow. I’ll definitely. Talk to you guys later, alright?”

Sammy understood why Jack was running away – he wants to run away right now, too, but unfortunately is in his own fucking apartment, which is twenty feet from Jack’s fucking apartment, and will be for the foreseeable future. Fuck.

They don’t catch up. Not really. They pass each other in the hallway, they get drinks with Ben and Troy and some other of the building residents once or twice, but that’s mainly Ben talking to Jack and not Sammy talking to Jack.

Sammy feels physical pain whenever he’s around Jack, and thinks Jack might feel the same pain from the grimace on his face. What stung the most was that this was Sammy’s fault, he might be able to fix this if he tried, but who was to say that it would help? That Jack would ever be interested in him again? Sammy had wrecked his chance the first time around, he didn’t deserve a second chance.

So many times, Sammy wants to knock on Jack’s door, say hey, hey, Jack, I’m gay, I’m interested, I’m in love with you and always have been and I was too much of a coward to say so before, I was closeted and repressed and terrified, and all I want is another chance to be with you, I fucked it all up before –

But then he doesn’t say any of that, because it sounds cheap, it sounds cliché, and frankly, Sammy’s too ashamed to. He can’t even knock on Jack’s door and just apologize for everything that happened, recognize that it happened at all, because Sammy had dealt poorly with most things in his life but nothing nearly as bad as Jack.

So he doesn’t say anything. Five months pass and Sammy sees Jack at the deli and like always, he says nothing. Just like fucking always. He’s always been such a goddamn coward.

* * *

 

Sammy sees Jack when he comes in the door for Troy’s party – he’s over talking to Loretta and Cynthia next to the appetizer plates, and he doesn’t go say hi. Instead, he heads over to where it looks like the potluck dishes are being set, Ben hanging off one of his arms and talking a mile a minute about how he needs to make sure to arrange the olives and parsley properly. Sammy’s mainly tuning him out.

“Aw thanks, guys!” Troy greets them enthusiastically as he takes the dish out of Sammy’s hands.

“Thank Ben, not me,” Sammy says. “He made the food while I laid on the couch and watched The Price is Right.”

“He’s secretly an old man,” Ben shakes his head fondly in Sammy’s direction. “Make sure you get the parsley right on the top when the film comes off…”

“Hey Troy, Loretta’s asking for you,” Sammy hears Jack’s voice behind him and turns to see Jack smiling a little sheepishly in Troy’s direction. “Wants some help getting food out of the oven?”

“Sure thing, I’ll be there lickety-split!” Troy says with a big grin, sprucing up the parsley on Sammy and Ben’s plate for another second before bounding off to the kitchen like the golden retriever that he is.

“Hey Jack, how are you?” Ben asks, grinning brightly.

“Doing well,” Jack says, also smiling at Ben. He’s got a beer in one hand that’s about half-drank. Sammy wonders where he got it, because he feels like he needs one or seven. “How about you?”

“A little tired from doing all the cooking,” Ben gives Sammy a look and Sammy flaps his hands in Ben’s direction.

“I promise I won’t watch old people game shows ever again, I’m sorry!” Sammy snipes, knowing perfectly well he’s going to again by this time next week. “If you wanted help, you should’ve asked!”

“Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune?” Jack turns to Sammy with a suddenly blinding grin. He explains to Ben, though he’s still looking at Sammy “We used to play each other in Jeopardy all the time when we were roommates in college. Had a scoreboard and everything.”

“I didn’t know you guys lived together, too!” Ben says, elbowing Sammy’s stomach. Surprisingly, Ben hasn’t asked for a ton of details about Jack, though Sammy’s pretty grateful for that.

“I’ve moved on to The Price is Right,” Sammy says, a blush rising to his cheeks, and he quickly deflects with, “Ben can’t play me though because Ben doesn’t know jack shit about money.”

“Why should I when you can do my taxes for me? I’m in radio for a reason,” Ben says with a giggle, leaning against Sammy’s side in a show of affection, and Sammy shoves him off with a roll of his eyes. Ben’s giving him puppy dog eyes now though, so Sammy lets him duck back under his arm because Ben’s ridiculous at all times.

“You wanna do mine, too?” Jack says with an awkward laugh, though his eyes are soft on Sammy’s. “I didn’t know you became a math aficionado since I last saw you.”

“Just an attempt to be self-sufficient,” Sammy’s laugh is equally awkward. “Since I can’t cook, I have to do something to pay Ben back.”

“We have a system,” Ben informs Jack with a grin. “If he pays for groceries for the apartment, I’ll cook for the both of us.”

“Sounds like a better system than our college apartment,” Jack says with a raised eyebrow in Sammy’s direction. “In which Sammy, Lily and I would lie on the floor and bitch at each other until someone got up enough energy to make a frozen pizza.”

Sammy laughs at the memory, even though it makes him hurt just a little. “It was usually you, if I recall correctly.”

“You’re both more stubborn than I am,” Jack says, and it looks like he’s about to say something else, but then he doesn’t and they’re left with a beat of silence.

“Oh, Ben Arnold, there you are!” A voice says from behind Jack and Sammy cranes his neck to see Archie Simmons marching toward them. Archie lives on the floor above them and has very loud dogs that Ben is much better at dealing with than the perpetually grumpy Sammy. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you and Sammy about dogsitting for Rufus next week while I’m out of town with The Princess.”

“Of course we can, Archie! We’d love to!” Ben says with a happy smile, and Sammy half-stifles a groan. “Don’t listen to Sammy, he loves Rufus, too. He likes going on walks with him in the park. Gets him some exercise since he won’t get it any other way.”

“I exercise plenty,” Sammy says with a roll of his eyes and Ben replies “Walking to work barely counts.”

“What are the dates you’ll be out of town, Archie?” Ben asks when Sammy doesn’t take his bait. “Anything should be fine, though.”

“June first through the twelfth,” Archie says. “I’ll be back in time for Pride, of course – the girls are going to be on a float! We have to get them all primped up and ready.”

“That’s adorable,” Jack tells Archie with a wide smile.

“Benny, are you and Sammy having another Pride party this year? Last year’s was so much fun, even if Janice Finkle was bringing down the mood with all her weirdness.”

“She was just talking about anthropology –” Sammy tries to defend the sweet college grad from downstairs, but Ben just shushes him, probably because there’s no stopping Archie once he decides he doesn’t like someone.

“Yeah, we’ll definitely have another party if enough people want to,” Ben says. “I know Pippa and her wife will be in town for the parade, Sammy and I have plans to go with them and Ron Begley. I’d ask you along, but since the girls are in the parade, I’m sure you’ll be too busy. We’ll throw the party that night though so everyone’s invited! You too, Jack, I mean, if you want.”

Ben’s smile has gone shy and a little too close to flirtatious for Sammy’s blood pressure, and Sammy clears his throat, but Jack interrupts with a marveling tone of voice.

“Yeah, I mean – that sounds amazing,” Jack says, a little too honest and frank, and Sammy realizes Jack’s half-staring at him. “I love Pride.”

Oh. Oh, right. Jack thinks he’s straight. How could Sammy forget that? Fuck.

“Did you guys ever do Pride stuff in college?” Ben asks, looking from Jack to Sammy. “I mean, probably not, you were repressed as hell before you met me…”

 Sammy can’t look at Jack, he wishes an anvil would drop from the sky and obliterate him. “Pride wasn’t really very big back then. Hey, I’ve gotta – gotta go to the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you later…”

Sammy gets the hell out of that stiflingly cramped conversation and into Troy and Loretta’s hallway. Thankfully, no one’s in the bathroom and Sammy can barricade himself inside, splash cold water on his face, and try to control his breathing.

About five minutes later, there’s a knock on the door, and Sammy knows that Ben’s given him space but has decided now’s the right time to come check on him, and he opens with a “Sorry, Ben, I –”

The door opens and Jack’s smiling sheepishly at him and Sammy’s heartrate goes all the way up again. “Oh. Jack.”

“Hey,” Jack says, looking at a point somewhere near Sammy’s ear, biting his lip a little too hard. “I just wanted to see if you were – if you were alright.”

“I’m okay,” Sammy says, brain not quite caught up on the situation yet. “Jack, I, I’m really sorry –”

“No, no!” Jack says, his eyes widening, and his hand reaches out as if he’s about to touch Sammy, but it falls awkwardly back at his side. “You don’t need to apologize for anything. That’s what I came here to tell you. I know things have been so awkward between us since we saw each other again and – and that’s no one’s fault. But I just wanted to tell you that everything’s good between us, okay? Everything’s fine, and I’m so, so happy for you.”

“I – really?” Sammy asks, heat on his cheeks. He didn’t know what he’d expected – well, it’s not like he thought Jack would be _mad_ , more like – well, he didn’t really want to know how Jack felt, because it would be embarrassing for Sammy regardless. It wasn’t like Jack would ever give him another chance, after all, he deserved better than that.

“Of course,” Jack says, earnest as can be. “You seem so much happier, and Ben’s obviously amazing…”

“Yeah,” Sammy says with a little laugh, thinking of the day he met Ben, his new co-host, and Ben had spent their second conversation detailing an awkward Tinder date he’d had with a guy in Queens without even an ounce of shame.

Sammy had managed to stammer out to Ben that he was gay a few months into knowing him – the first person he’d ever told, after years of knowing – and Ben had hugged him so tightly Sammy couldn’t breathe. Ben had proceeded to make Sammy judge everyone he swiped right on Tinder, and Sammy had just thanked God it wasn’t Grindr.

“We should catch up like, for real,” Jack says, actually reaching over to squeeze Sammy’s elbow, just for half a second. “Not awkward hellos in the hallway. I wanna know all about your job, and Ben, and everything, okay? I’ve…I’ve really missed you. I’m sorry, is that weird to say?”

“No, no, I missed you, too,” Sammy says, trying to convey just how much. “Jack, I really am so, so sorry about – about everything. I know I gave you the worst kind of mixed messages –”

“Sammy,” Jack holds up a hand, eyes gentle. “It’s all in the past, alright? You don’t need to apologize for being a repressed twenty-two year old. I’m just so happy that you’re in a good place now, alright? No matter what.”

“Okay,” Sammy says, the smile on his face real and genuine and not faked, the relief probably palpable in its appearance. “And same, I want to hear about your job, and how Lily’s doing, and everything else. It would be great just to – just to be friends again. If. If that’s alright.”

Jack’s face splits into a huge, relieved grin. “Of course it’s alright.”

Jack half-hugs him in the hallway, and even though Sammy’s so happy that Jack wants to be his friend again, there’s also the dull ache that accompanies it, because if Jack wants Sammy to be in his life platonically again, there’s no way Jack still has feelings for him.

Which is fine. Sammy can be the one to ignore his feelings for Jack for the sake of their friendship. He can do that. It would be a privilege to do that. God, he’s missed Jack.

* * *

 

Sammy ducks out of Troy’s party early anyway, and from the concerned looks Ben keeps shooting him, he knows his best friend isn’t far behind.

True to Sammy’s suspicions, only about ten minutes pass between Sammy collapsing on his sofa and Ben unlocking the door, waving hello, and sidling up on the couch next to Sammy, nudging his head out of the way so he can sit and pulling Sammy’s head onto his shoulder.

Usually Sammy pushes Ben away when he tries to be cuddly – Ben is an octopus of the highest standard and when he doesn’t have a significant other, becomes mopey and deprived unless Sammy lets him curl up next to him – but tonight Sammy doesn’t mind so much, and lets himself be manhandled onto Ben’s shoulder.

“Was it the Pride stuff that got you freaked out?” Ben asks, and Sammy nods so as not to have to be more specific and have a convenient excuse for all Jack-related panics. “I’m sorry, I really thought you’d moved past that, that you were comfortable talking about now. Especially since it was Archie we were talking to….oh. Oh, Jack was there. Oh, God, were you not out to him in college?”

Sammy doesn’t respond, both because it would hurt too much to tell Ben and also because he thinks he’d probably get choked up if he tries to speak.

“I’m so sorry,” Ben says, sighing. “Honestly, tell me to shut up when I do these things, okay? I’m sorry, buddy.”

“S’okay,” Sammy says, clearing his throat.

“Well,” Ben says, a little more upbeat and optimistic as he nudges Sammy. “He _did_ say he loved Pride. So I wonder if he’s an enthusiastic ally or if he’s queer, too. I mean, I can fantasize about him either way…”

Sammy groans, burying his head in Ben’s shoulder. He does _not_ want to hear this but also, he does _not_ want to tell Ben why he doesn’t want to hear this, so he lets his tiny and enthusiastic friend keep talking.

“It would affect what my fantasies were about though,” Ben continues as if he’s talking about the weather. “Because I like to add an element of realism. So if he’s straight, I have to be the one to convince him that he likes dudes and the scenario plays out from there. But if he’s bi or gay, then he can be the one to seduce me.”

“What about Emily?” Sammy nudges Ben’s shoulder a little too hard, but he wants the subject changed. “I thought she was the one for you?”

There’s an utterly besotted look in Ben’s eye.

“Emily is amazing,” he says, almost wistful. “Our dates have gone _so_ well, I really think I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with her.”

“Her and everyone else who says you’re sweet and calls you Benny,” Sammy jibes, but Ben shushes him.

“No, for real,” he says. “For real this time. So the Jack stuff is obviously theoretical, but I still wanna know! And also, he’s your friend from way back when, so I wouldn’t try shit with him unless I had your approval.”

“Well, you don’t have it,” Sammy says, probably a little too bitterly for a theoretical situation. Ben notices it, too, because he shrugs Sammy off of his shoulder so he can look him in the eye.

“Would it really bother you?” Ben asks, very serious. “I mean, I’m not going to, but would it be a huge deal? I mean, you guys hadn’t seen each other in years…”

Maybe there’s a kind of look in Sammy’s eye. Maybe Ben can see the shame on Sammy’s face. whatever it is, Ben’s face clears up as if he’s just realized and he starts blinking at Sammy very quickly. “Sammy. Do you – did you – do you _like_ Jack?”

Sammy grimaces, and it’s answer enough, because Ben grins and throws an arm around Sammy’s shoulder.

“Aww, Sammy just admitted he likes a guy! Will this ever happen again?” Ben says, a little too excitedly, but he’s sweet so Sammy can’t even be annoyed at him for it. “I’m so proud of you for having a crush. Is it still now, or just back then? Or just now and _not_ back then? Details, please! You never ever talk about boys with me, so I want details.”

“It’s…” Sammy sighs, squeezing his eyes closed. He doesn’t want to say anything but he knows it’s too late now, and it’s better to tell Ben things anyway. “I _loved_ him, Ben. Really, really loved him.”

“Oh,” Ben whispers. “Oh, is he – is he an _ex-boyfriend_? Do you have those?”

Sammy laughs weakly onto Ben’s shoulder. “No. I wish he was. I – we were best friends. All through college. We lived together. We worked together at the college radio station. I was so in love with him and – and he was in love with me, too. I don’t know why, but he was.”

Sammy swallows, shame piling up in his stomach. “He told me that. Toward the end of college, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, but if I was straight…then he needed to take a step back, and not talk anymore, because he loved me too much, it would hurt too much.”

Sammy’s not crying, but he’s more than a little choked up, and Ben’s hand stroking his hair isn’t helping. He doesn’t deserve affection, not when it comes to this.

“And I wasn’t straight, of course I fucking wasn’t straight, but I was…” A bitter smile twists on Sammy’s lips. “ _Repressed as hell._ And I told him I couldn’t, I’m so sorry, but I just couldn’t be with him. I was so scared, I wanted to, but I was terrified of what that would mean for me, but I couldn’t tell him that, tell him why. And he said it was okay, that he wasn’t mad at me for being straight, because it’s not like I could control that but – but he had to take a step back. And then there was graduation, and he went to DC and I went to LA and we just. Stopped talking.”

Ben lets out a sympathetic noise, but Sammy just has to keep talking, has to get it out now.

“We didn’t see each other again until we met in the hallway,” Sammy says. “And he still thought I was straight I’m sure, but I’m so obviously not, and I’m out now, and was just getting to be okay with it, but now he’s back in my life and he knows that I’m gay. I don’t know what he thinks of me but I’m just – I’m so embarrassed that I couldn’t tell him then and – and still can’t tell him now.”

“Do you still love him?” Ben asks, shy and tentative, and all Sammy can do is nod.

“ _Aw_ ,” Ben says, squeezing Sammy’s shoulder tightly. “And now you’re reunited after all this time – that can’t be a coincidence.”

“It has to be,” Sammy says with a deep breath. He doesn’t believe in fate and destiny, not like Ben, he doesn’t believe in undeserved second chances. “He – he told me tonight that it’s okay, that he forgives me for what happened. That he’s so happy for me that I’m out now, even if I wasn’t back then. He wants to be _friends,_ Ben, which means that he’s gotten over whatever feelings he has for me. He doesn’t need a step back anymore. And I’ve missed him so much…being around him but not being with him is what I deserve for not telling him the truth the first time around. At least I get to see him again.”

“Sammy, I know you’re not the kind of guy to put yourself out there,” Ben says after half a second of silence, which is half a second longer than Ben usually lets a conversation run quiet, “but I think you have to this time. I’m not gonna make you, because you’re obviously really cut up about this – but he deserves to know and you deserve to tell him, okay?”

Sammy makes a miserable sounding noise and Ben shifts so their heads are pressed together.

“And also, even if it doesn’t work out, even if you just stay friends, it’ll still be alright,” Ben says. “I mean, you’re my best friend in the whole world and you’re way more important to be than any boyfriend or girlfriend I’ve had. I mean, I know I talk about Emily like she’s _the one_ and all, but I have two, okay? You’re _the one_ too. The one I’m never gonna have sex with, but…”

He giggles and Sammy can’t help but join him, because Ben really is the best friend he’s ever had, and probably the only reason Sammy still isn’t tied to the closet. Ben dragged him from the closet kicking and screaming, but it’s thanks to Ben that he’s comfortable at all expressing himself in private or in public.

“Also,” Ben says, still laughing, “no wonder your exes that _I_ know are so depressing. They were all rebounds and I didn’t even know it! You were probably thinking about Jack the whole time and they didn’t measure up to how goddamn handsome he is.”

“My ex-boyfriends aren’t _depressing_ ,” Sammy tries to defend the two and a half boyfriends he’s had in his life but there’s really no defense of them. “They’re…”

“Awful,” Ben says promptly. “Todd used to be a _drug dealer_ , Sammy. Ryan wore _animal-themed hats_ because he was secretly a furry. I was like, oh, Sammy’s taste in men is fucking weirdos. But now I see that your taste in men is the beautiful and perfect Jack Wright and I understand much better.”

“Does this mean I don’t have to hear detailed explanations of your sexual fantasies about him?” Sammy asks wryly and Ben snorts, clearly unashamed, just like always.

“I’ll only fantasize about him once a week out of respect for you,” Ben says with a smug grin and Sammy stifles a laugh. “And the fantasy will always end with me explaining to him that hey, this was really fun. You’re amazing in bed. But I have to let you go, for the sake of my friendship with Sammy, which will _always_ come first. I know, I know you’ll miss me. Sammy’s boring and vanilla and wears the same four shirts every week. But he’s the only one who can love you the way you deserve.”

At some point, Ben’s voice went from teasing to sincere, and Sammy shifts to hug the hell out of his best friend. He doesn’t know if he can do what Ben says, if he can tell Jack anything about how he feels for him, _still_ feels for him, but he knows that he’s lucky as hell to have a friend like Ben to encourage him no matter what.

* * *

 

Two weeks later and Sammy still has no idea what he’s going to do about Jack, but he has plans to go and get drinks with him on his own so they can talk through their lives and catch up properly, so Sammy will see if there’s an easy way for him to see _hey, I still love you, let’s get to know each other again but this time you can be my boyfriend_ but he doesn’t know if there’s a good way to say that.

First and foremost, he has to deal with meeting Emily, the lovely Miss Emily Potter who Ben is still utterly besotted with all these weeks after meeting her, which is new record for Ben. Ben falls in love often, but usually temporarily. Sammy hopes Emily finally sticks.

“Hi, hi,” Ben babbles as he greets Emily at the door of the apartment that Friday evening, kissing her cheek hurriedly. He’s been in a state all day, worrying about Sammy and Emily meeting. It’s weirdly meet-the-parents, but as Ben puts it, it’s the two most important people in his life and he just wants them to like each other!

Sammy’s prepared to say Emily’s the most perfect person he’s ever met even if he can’t stand the sight of her, but thankfully, Emily is gorgeous and polite and tells Sammy the second she meets him “Ben can’t shut about you.”

“Well, that’s great, because Ben can’t shut up about _you_ either,” Sammy says with a wide grin and Ben makes a furious slashing motion behind her back that Sammy ignores. “I think we’re going to be fast friends.”

She giggles, lets Sammy put an arm around her and tell her all kinds of embarrassing Ben stories, and they have a lovely evening.

She spends the night and Sammy sends suggestive eyebrows in Ben’s direction. Ben shoves Sammy away from him and follows Emily to his bedroom.

She’s there for breakfast the next morning, just as sweet and wonderful as she was the night before, and she and Sammy make fun of Ben together a few times before Ben walks her out of the building.

“Alright, so _my_ big stress is over,” Ben declares as he gets back to the apartment. “Did you like her? Did you? Don’t lie to me, alright?”

“Ben?” Sammy says, and moves across the room to clap Ben on the shoulder. “Better than your last five dates combined. She’s lovely.”

Ben’s face lights up. “Isn’t she, though? She’s just perfect. Anyway, now it’s time for _your_ big date.”

“Really not a date,” Sammy says, feeling a little like vomiting. He’d been able to distract himself with Ben and Emily up until now, but seeing Jack was only a few hours away now, and he was nervous as hell.

“Does that mean you don’t want me to pick out clothes for you?” Ben asks in his sing-songy voice and Sammy sighs.

“Go, pick my clothes, but I reserve the right to reject your choices!” Sammy says, but Ben’s already disappeared into Sammy’s bedroom, presumably to raid his closet.

By the time five o’clock hits, Sammy hasn’t thrown up yet and he’s wearing a nice plaid shirt that Ben says looks good on him, and his nicest pair of shoes. He doesn’t want to look like he’s trying too hard, but he also doesn’t want to look like he’s not trying at all. He’s rejected Ben’s suggestion of getting Jack a gift, especially anything decidedly romantic like flowers, though he’ll certainly offer to pay for Jack’s drink when the opportunity arises.

He walks the two blocks to the bar they agreed to meet at, talking himself down from cancelling last-minute, and when he gets there, he sees Jack already sitting at the bar. He smiles when he sees  Sammy, but there’s a concerned look to it that puts Sammy on edge.

“Hey,” Sammy greets him, hoping he sounds normal and fine and not like he’s about to explode. “How’s it going?”

“I’m okay,” Jack says, examining Sammy’s face as if he’s looking for something. “How – how are you doing?”

“Fine?” Sammy asks, a little confused at the vibes Jack’s giving him. Sammy had been prepared for distant but genial or friendly and happy and sentimental. He hadn’t been prepared for – whatever this is. “Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?”

“I – I just…” Jack keeps searching his face for something. “Do you not know?”

“Know what?” Sammy’s mind is racing with possibilities, mainly worst-case scenarios, though he really has no fucking clue what Jack could be talking about. “What’s the matter?”

Jack sighs, a pained look on his face. “Sammy – this morning, in the hallway, I ran into Ben.”

“Yeah?” Sammy asks, confused. “What, is Ben dying or something and he hasn’t told me? Because I saw Ben fifteen minutes ago and he seemed fine.”

“Sammy,” Jack says as if he’s ready for Sammy to start crying, which Sammy never likes. “Ben…Ben introduced me to his _girlfriend_.”

Sammy blinks. Once, twice, three times. He doesn’t get it. “Yeah? Emily. I met her last night. She’s great.”

Jack gapes at him. Sammy still has no clue what the fuck is going on. Jack closes his mouth. “Okay. Did you guys….did you break up? Are you in like, an open relationship? Sorry, I’m just not really understanding here.”

Sammy stares at Jack, who seems so genuine and concerned and freaked out, and Sammy can’t do anything but smile. “Jack…Did you think I was dating Ben? Ben’s not my boyfriend. Pretty far from it. He’s my best friend, the most important person in my life – but he’s _not_ my boyfriend.”

“But – but –” Jack’s eyes are widening with realization, and Sammy lets him take his time. “You do everything together! He’s all over you, all the time! Everyone talks about you like you’re a couple – oh, are Sammy and Ben coming to this? Are Sammy and Ben doing that? You’re like one entity!”

“A lot of people think Ben and I are together,” Sammy says. “A _lot._ But Ben’s just…like that. And even people who know we’re not together think we should _get_ together since we’re both queer. But like. That’s never gonna happen. I love Ben more than anything, but that’s never gonna happen.”

A realization hits Sammy as Jack’s face still resides in the land of confusion. “Oh my God. Have you thought that since we met again? Outside my apartment?”

“Yes!” Jack says emphatically, higher pitched than usual. “What was I supposed to think? He – he fits right under your arm! You called him your partner!”

“Broadcast partner! I called you my partner all the time back in college –” Sammy cuts himself off, realizing that was _not_ the trail to go down right now and Jack breaks eye contact with him.

“Bad example,” Sammy says emphatically, wishing that he had a drink which was ironic since he was sitting at a bar. “But shit, Jack, now I feel even worse about everything. I only freaked out the other night because I thought that _you_ still thought I was straight. God, I’m sorry.”

“No, hey, it’s alright,” Jack says, his voice soft and sincere. “I meant what I said before – what happened is in the past. I don’t blame you for it or anything. But – what the hell did you think I meant when I said I was happy for you? I meant for you and Ben!”

“Oh,” Sammy says, thinking he really must be stupid to have missed that. “I thought you just meant for – for being out now. And not like, swimming in a cesspool of shame anymore. And Ben’s…a huge part of why I’m able to be out now. He’s really helped me…be comfortable with myself, I guess. He has almost no shame in his entire body, which I usually associate with straight people, but he’s bi and he’s just…obliterated it from himself.”

“Okay, so he does like guys, at least I wasn’t imagining that,” Jack says with a rueful shake of his head.

“He _definitely_ likes guys,” Sammy reassures him. “He only talks about how hot you are every ten minutes.”

Jack blushes.

“Maybe every fifteen now that he knows…about, well,” Sammy starts, and can’t finish the sentence, but an expression of misery crosses Jack’s face that has no right to be there.

“God, I’m the one who should be sorry,” Jack sighs, biting his lip. “I just – cut you off. I’m so sorry, I thought you were straight and you were only nice about it because you pitied me. If I’d have known –”

“You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you,” Sammy cuts him off, knowing that this is his fault and not Jack’s, needing this to be his fault and not Jack’s. “It’s my fault, I – I was so scared. I liked you so much, and you liking me scared me even more.”

“I cut you off,” Jack says sadly, and suddenly his hand is gripping Sammy’s wrist, not tightly, but with a touch of pressure. “I was supposed to be your best friend, and I cut you off when you needed me just because I couldn’t keep a cap on my fucking feelings. But I thought – well, I’m never gonna get a boyfriend if I’m too busy pining for my straight best friend. God, I was fucking stupid. You were more important than any theoretical boyfriend I could have. I should’ve –”

“ _I_ should’ve,” Sammy corrects, needing to make this point. “Say something, anything, not let you think I was straight for five years. I was a coward. I always have been.”

“Okay, so we both fucked this up,” Jack says, half-laughing, half-grimacing. Sammy will accept the compromise. “Alright. So you have a best friend who’s absolutely amazing and extremely close to you. That’s great, and I’m so happy you have that.”

“Thanks,” Sammy says, noticing that Jack’s hand is still covering his wrist, even if there’s no pressure anymore. His heart beats loudly in his chest. “I’m sure Ben will be very flattered to know you thought I was his boyfriend, though his go-to line is that I make him straighter by the second.”

Jack laughs, loud and bright, and Sammy’s made palpably aware of how much he’s missed him. “Shit, and I thought I’d be here tonight asking you if you and Ben were planning on getting married and having kids.”

“I’m contractually obliged to marry Ben if neither of us are married by the time he turns forty,” Sammy says with a wry twist of his mouth.  “Though with the entrance of the lovely Miss Emily Potter into his life, I’d bet I’ll be the only one still single at forty.”

“That would lead me to my next question,” Jack says, smile wide and affectionate. “Do you have an actual boyfriend?”

“No,” Sammy says emphatically, heart racing at why Jack could be asking the question. It could just be the next logical thing to ask about Sammy’s life, but it could mean something more too. “As Ben reminded me before I came here tonight, every guy I’ve ever dated spans the range from ridiculous to terrible, sometimes both ridiculous _and_ terrible.”

“Hey,” Jack says with an affectionate grin. “Me too.”

“No one compares to me?” Sammy asks, meaning for it to be joking, but Jack’s smile softens and he blinks slowly at Sammy with fondness in his eyes.

“Definitely not,” Jack almost whispers and Sammy thinks he stops breathing for a second.                          

“Good,” Sammy says, throat thick with something – not bile anymore, he doesn’t feel like he’s about to throw up. He doesn’t know how he feels, but it’s decidedly better than that.

“I’m really glad you don’t have a boyfriend,” Jack says, frank as he’s always been. “Because I’m going to buy you a drink. And we’re going to talk about our lives. And find out what we still have in common. And maybe _not_ fuck shit up entirely this time around. If…if that’s alright with you.”

Jack looks insecure for half a second, and Sammy can’t have that.

“That would be…amazing,” Sammy tells him. “I – I don’t know if I deserve a second chance but – I don’t want to have any regrets this time around.”

“Shut up,” Jack tells him with a fond look. “And me neither. So let’s figure our shit out.”

* * *

 

Sammy makes his way back up to his apartment, still with Jack, half-laughing at Jack’s last joke, marveling at the fact that Jack’s holding his hand as they walk up the stairs to their floor.

He scrambles around with his key for a second with one hand, still holding Jack’s with the other, it’s going to be impossible to let go, and calls “Ben?” through the doorway once he gets it open.

“Yeah?” Ben’s head pokes out of the bathroom and his face splits into a wide grin when he sees Jack half-wave in his direction. “Hey, Jack! How’s it going?”

“Ben, will you please confirm for Jack that you are not in fact my boyfriend?” Sammy says, hiding a wry grin as Ben starts to crack up.

“Sammy’s boyfriend? Do you _know_ how many broken ponytail holders are in this bathroom? Do you _know_ how many dirty dishes are in our sink? You couldn’t pay me to be Sammy’s boyfriend. One look at Sammy makes me wish I was straight.”

“See?” Sammy says, turning to Jack with a grin. Jack’s half-smothering a smile of his own. “Not my boyfriend.”

“I get boyfriend privileges, though!” Ben strides out of the bathroom to duck under Sammy’s shoulder. “If Jack wants boyfriend privileges too, we have to hash out the deets. Dates, times, compromises. I’m more than happy to share, though.”

“You want boyfriend privileges?” Sammy asks Jack, smiling only because he already knows the answer.

Jack laughs, and reaches over to pull Ben under his own shoulder. “I’ll share. Because I’m definitely gonna want boyfriend privileges.”

Ben beams. Sammy might be smiling, too.


End file.
